life in a scarf

back in action

I haven’t posted in what seems like forever, but life has gotten in the way of free time recently..well, really there was a lack of reliable wifi.

I had a house fire on May 19 and was out of my house for about 2 months. Luckily, it was a very small house fire and there was very little damage to anything. During my time out of the house, I stayed with my father and step-mother. Though I really missed my home, I now cherish the time that I was able to spend with my dad. We drank coffee together in the morning and watched westerns all day on Sunday. He’s a simple man and I loved every second of it.

On a much brighter note, my LAST first day of classes started yesterday. I officially graduate in 107 days!

The boy and I planned on going to dinner to celebrate and when I showed up at his house, this was waiting for me:

Photo1

 

Oh, your boyfriend buys you flowers? I mean, I guess that’s cool. Mine buys me books..and for that (among many other things), I think I shall keep him around for a while.

we’re all a little lost

In the midst of my chaotic life, especially more recently than before, I have discovered that I am actually lost. I’m lost in world that I don’t understand.

I’m in a world where people are okay with hurting others, both emotionally and physically. I’m in a world where generosity is hard to find. I’m in a world where everything doesn’t seem to make sense, with relationships, jobs, and simply just life in general.

But in a way, I know I’m not the only one. I know that there are people out there simply looking for what makes them happy, but are unable to figure it out. There are people looking for what they are supposed to do with their life, but are unable to take a step in the right direction.

I think that this “I’m not alone” revelation came to me after rereading the book, “for one more day,” by Mitch Albom. I was given this book by my favorite high school teacher when I graduated in May 2007. I never actually read the whole thing, until today (which is 6 years following my high school graduation). I cried. And what I determined is that we’re all a little lost and we’re all looking for something more than what we have.

But what I also realized, is that I am happy. I am happy because I am appreciative for the things that I do have. I may have a broken heart and a step-brother who I am no longer speaking to, but what I do have outweighs those things.

I have a home. I have a job that allows me to go to school, while still able to support myself. I have a dog who I love more than life. I have a very few, but very wonderful group of friends. I have a family that most people would die for. My mother is a strong willed and loving person, who if I didn’t have by my side..I’m not sure how I would have gotten through many situations. I have a compassionate and god-loving father, who is there whenever I need him and is there even when I need him, but I’m not sure that I do. I have a sweet and wise grandmother, who calls me her angel and to some extent..I actually believe she is my saving grace.

I was raised in a divided family, but in no way has this divided me. My parents have been there for me, sacrificed for me, and loved me more than I may ever realize. They gave me morals. They taught me to appreciate the little things, and that the most important things aren’t material things. They taught me how to think of others before myself and that generosity is one of the greatest gifts you can share with the world.

I had previously lost sight of those things in the midst of the terrible decisions I was making. I was trying to please a man who, in reality, cared more about drinking than he did about me. I tried so hard to make him happy, that I lost sight of the things that are really important to me and my life. But I’m ready to take myself back to who I am..which is not a girl who gets drunk on Sundays and cries at bars. I am what my parents taught me and it’s time for me to start practicing that again.

 

We’re all a little lost but we’re all a little lucky, too. 

finals

It’s officially mid-finals week..and you know what that means…

If not, this means:

1. I have an excuse to look like a monster and hibernate in my house for days at a time with nothing but a computer, pen, and highlighter. Showering is optional.

2. I have an excuse to eat my feelings in cheetos and ice cream, knowing in advance I’m allowing myself to become more round. (if only this would make my boobs grow and nothing else, I’d be set.)

3. I’m about to learn a shit ton of huge words that no one else understands except medical personnel, in which I will later have to transform into layman’s terms for patient’s to understand…yet, I may or may not understand myself.

 

Here’s to being fat and overeducated!

..and persevering for that bottle of wine I will enjoy when this is all over.

bad decisions

I am the master of bad decisions and last night was a perfect example.

After working 10 hour days with the boy, my heart hurts a little and I tend to heal it with some wine on my back porch. As we were leaving, he was hinting at the fact that he’d like to hang out but I pretended like I didn’t notice and headed home for some terrible vino.

2/3 of the way into my bottle, he texts me asking me if I had gone out. A little bantering later and I’m in my car and on the way to the local bar to have “one drink” with him. This was a booty call, and I damn well knew it. Sober me would have politely said that it was too late to come out. Drunk me decided to be stupid. So I went out and had a drink and a shot of tequila. Next think I know, I’m wasted and headed back to his house.

My memory of the night is completely blurred, however I do remember crawling into his bed with all of my clothes on. It was probably my conscious’s last attempt at telling me that I probably shouldn’t be there. I woke up this morning wondering where I was, because he decided to actually get some curtains and the fact that sunlight wasn’t blinding me was weird.

I put on my clothes, picked up my pride, and took that wonderful walk of shame to my car.

 

The only thing I regret is being too drunk to remember how it felt to kiss him again.

tough

Yesterday was a tough day, but only like a scrape-your-heart kinda tough. It brought many tears, though.

I ended up working on Tuesday, which was slow and not much money was made. However, the boy was doing an event with work and ended up being there three times during my shift. We chatted, small talk about nothing. When he came back from the event, he sat in my section and talked to me for about 30 minutes while I was cleaning. Even with a whistle at one point to make sure I noticed he was still sitting there. It was nice. It was like old times. He gave me the look that I have missed for the past 3 weeks. I melted a little.

And then yesterday was anything but what I wanted. I began the day in high hopes, most likely residual from the previous day’s melting. But it was like I didn’t exist. I got run over, ran into, and ignored. I shut down. I didn’t talk to anyone and began to make a million mistakes that I’d like to never remember.

My tweet after work: “I feel like something has shattered inside of me that has never been broken before.”

I guess he saw it after going out with his friends and decided to call around 2:00..am. I was in and out of sleep at this point, making me think my alarm was going off and ignored the first two calls. Finally, he called a third time and I answered. He was calling because he wanted to make sure I was okay. To tell me that he was always going to be worried about me. To tell me that this is hard for him, as well. This inevitably made me cry. It makes me happy to know that he still cares, but at the same time I wonder if it would make things easier if he didn’t.

If it’s so hard, then maybe you made the wrong decision. Because your decision has literally torn my soul into pieces.

champion

I’ve worked in the same restaurant for over 7 years and generally, walking into work is just another day. However, today was a tad bit different. It was the first time I had to see the boy since we broke up. I tried my best to let my inner diva come out by jamming to Beyonce on the way there, but my anxiety seemed to get the best of me as I was sitting in my car dreading the long walk to the building.

I didn’t know how I was supposed to act or what I was supposed to say. As my heart continued to beat faster, I couldn’t resist the tears that streamed down my face. Generally, I’m very good at only crying when I’m alone..especially about boys. I’m a pretty tough lady, but for some reason this boy literally breaks my soul in half.

Luckily, both of us were very busy during our shift. This allowed for minimal awkward moments, though I know he caught me staring at him more times than I’d like to admit. I tried my best to keep calm and joke around with my co-workers like everything was just peachy. Inside, I was breaking even more than I had anticipated.

As we were getting off, I assumed that he would just leave once he was finished with everything. However, for some reason he found me and asked how much longer I would be and if he should wait. How am I supposed to respond to this? You broke up with me because it was becoming too serious of a relationship. So I assume, that me asking you to wait for me would be out of line..I mean, what I want obviously doesn’t matter at this point. So, I responded, “you can do whatever you want.” Of course, this was the incorrect answer and the response was a shaking head with many huffs and puffs.

Nevertheless, he waited. We went outside to smoke a cigarette and I guess just make small talk that doesn’t really matter at this point.

During the conversation, he looks at me and says, “Well, you seem like you’re doing really well.”

You’re damn right it does! I am a woman! It’s what I do. I smile through tough times. I laugh and joke with people to avoid tears. Women are tough bitches, whether you want to believe it or not. All of those times that you men have heard the terms, “I’m fine.” She wasn’t fine, but she’ll be damned if you find out. We will do anything in our power to make sure you don’t think that you have hurt us or made us feel unworthy of you. It’s not in a woman’s nature. Or at least not in my nature (thanks, mom).

Moral of the story: I survived. No tears once  I walked in the building and it seemed like I’m doing really well.

Champion. 

pinterest confessions

Like most girls in their mid-twenties, I am a pinterest addict. I guess maybe I just have an addictive personality. Or maybe I was meant to be a crafty, domesticated, and organized woman. maybe. 

I have completed many pinterest projects. Some have been successful, others..well, not so much.

Today, I have decided to share a positive post and a negative post from pinterest..which may or may not become a recurrent posting.

The good:

I read that after painting your nails, you can put your hands in a bowl of cold water for 3 minutes in order to let them dry. I did this…and it actually worked! Where has this been all my life? Why did no one ever tell me? All of those times I spent trying to get my pants down to pee with wet fingernails could have been avoided.  (The only tip I have for this is..don’t attempt to use ice to make the water colder. The second time I attempted this, I used ice because of course if cold water works..coldER water will work better! Negative, the ice cubes  continued to hit my painted nails and make indents in the paint.)

So…simply cold water for 3 minutes. Magical things are happening.

The bad:

Yesterday, I was reading a post about why coke is bad for you. In this post, they described that you can actually poor a can of coke in your dirty toilet bowl and it will clean it after sitting for an hour. I understand coke is terrible for you, but clean my toilet? meh, I had to try it. So, this morning I tried this experiment on my own. After 1 hour, with glittering eyes I walked into my bathroom to find that it was just as dirty as it had been pre-coke. Disappointment. I guess the usual hand corroding clorox is just going to have to suffice in the future.

Thank you pinterest for at least making my nails pretty.

goodbye

Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things that we deal with on this life journey. Whether it be saying goodbye following a death or just saying goodbye to someone in life, it all burns in the same part of your heart.

The boy just left my life. While this is the second time he has broken my heart, it sure as anything doesn’t hurt any less this time. It may hurt more, but it’s all so fresh that feelings are hard to discern at this point.

Apparently, we’re looking for different things in our relationship. He’s simply looking for a casual dating situation, while I’m looking for a serious relationship. I know that he is right in this fact, but it’s so hard to swallow. The man who I have built my life around for the past year, is now just looking for a casual relationship. The man who I loved with all of my heart, just said that I hope that we can still talk and joke around at work. It’s just so hard to comprehend.

Luckily, he isn’t working this weekend and instead is going on a trip to NYC for a bachelor party. I only say luckily because the awkwardness that is going to occur will be postponed for another week. I can’t say that I’m going to handle it well. Having to work with someone that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and just have casual encounters and jokes with, isn’t easy. It’s like every time you catch their eye, your heart only cracks a little bit more. It’s like every time you hear their voice, it takes your whole body to not break down and cry. I’ve done this before. Except then, the relationship was less serious and I was just in the way of delving into my love for him. This time, I’m madly and deeply in love with his entire being, and my entire world has just shattered.

 

I’ve been trying to look back and figure out where I went wrong. What’s so wrong with me that I wasn’t good enough. I’m still at a loss. I tried to give him space during this entire situation and allow things to progress as slowly as possible because I know about his fears of commitment. I tried to never complain when things hurt my feelings. I gave my whole life to him, yet I think that this was the problem.

 

Either way, it hurts. Very, very badly.

Here’s to this journey, alone.

Where no one else will ever compare to the man I just lost. Ever. 

expectations

Every little girl has expectations about how their life is supposed to work out. It’s kind of like a timeline that we set up for ourselves, which inevitably ends up a failure because real life seems to get in the way.

I had a timeline (…one that is now shot to shit.). I was going to be married by 22, with children by 24. However, now that I’m 24 and neither of the aforementioned facts are true..I understand that this is a young age for these things to happen.

I would have never thought that I still worked in a restaurant. I began working at this job approximately 7 years ago, at the age of 17. When I started working there, I was hired on the spot as a hostess. This restaurant may be a huge chain restaurant, but it is my second home. Recently, it has become less of a happy place, however leaving a place that has become such a huge part of your being is such as hard thing. I’m supposed to have a big girl job at this point, right? I did everything I was supposed to. I graduated college, with a not too terrible GPA. I did extracurricular activities. I volunteered. Yet, it got me no where but where I started.

I would have never thought that I’d still be in school. I always thought that after spending four years in college, I’d be set. I guess that’s what they tell you in high school to make it seem like going to college is the way to go. Who would have thought that so many college graduates would still be big-girl-jobless? Not me. I started this program because my ex-boyfriend told me that I needed to either get a job or go back to school..because the schedule of working in a restaurant just wasn’t cutting it for our relationship. Obviously, that relationship ended and I was unable to get a job, so here I am..back in school. Not even going for a master’s degree…that’s the crazy part. I could have double majored in 4 years…yet it’s 6 years later and I’m still not finished wracking up debt.

I would have never thought that I wasn’t at least in a serious relationship. Who would have thought that relationships were that difficult. Psh, my parents were prom king and queen after all..and that’s how it’s just supposed to work out. Here I am 24-years-old and in only the second serious relationship of my life. And, as my friends would call it, an “officially unofficial” relationship at that. It’s a long story that previous posts have superficially delved into, however it’s exactly that..an unofficial relationship. We’re not together, but we are. Everyone knows about us..yet, I find myself constantly wondering where I stand. I’ve always known I wasn’t good enough for this boy, but for some reason I try to work my ass off at trying to make him love me just a little bit. The 16-year-old me is wondering why I’m not married yet. Despite the fact of knowing that I’m still young and there’s plenty of time left, the 24-year-old me constantly debates the “what’s so wrong with me?” question. At times, I still feel 16-years-old. I haven’t yet developed the skills of what it takes to be in a relationship, but I sure do try my damndest to figure it out..only to be unsuccessful, usually. This is, by far, the hardest pill to swallow.

Life is never what you expect.

I guess a large part of growing up is just finding beauty in what you have.

children

Unlike most women, I don’t just have bouts of “baby fever” every once in a while when I’m around a cute child. I am a constant ball of estrogen and progesterone just waiting to pop out a baby. or love on your child whether you like it or not.

Obviously, I consciously know that this time in my life is not the time for it. I’m not finished with this degree until December, and while I could try to get a job with my wonderful BS in biology..that’s a highly unlikely option. It would also be a ridiculous waste of money and the past year of my life to quit school now.

I am also not married and my very religious parents would be flabbergasted if I whipped out a stick with a plus sign on it. I also question the relationship I’m in. Not that I think the boy wouldn’t be a good father (one day, he will be a fantastic one), however I don’t think that his 3-day-a-week drinking extravaganzas are conducive to family starting. Nor do I think that he’d be happy if he wasn’t allowed to have those bro-nights due to a screaming toddler.

Why do I love children?

Because they are the most fantastic beings in the world.

They find fascination in simple things. For example, the child who I saw today that was more excited about an escalator than I’ve been about anything in a long time. You would have thought that he was about to experience the most exciting roller coaster known to man. I couldn’t help but giggle to myself and stare at him. I miss the days when simple things used to excite me. Everything today just seems so complicated.

They exhibit hope and unwavering willpower. Maybe I see this more often than most people due to the fact that I spend a lot of time in the hospital, however it’s a marked difference between children and adults. Tell a child they have leukemia and watch them look you in the eye and tell you they will beat it. They aren’t going to die. They’re doing better today. However, tell an adult they have an ingrown toenail and they may tell you that their world is ending. (This is absolutely an fabrication, but you get what I’m saying.)

They are blank slates and are not worried about norms of the world. They aren’t preoccupied with worries or always getting things right. They get things wrong and they are totally fine with it, they just attempt to fix it next time. We as adults have a high sense of anxiety when we do something wrong. Yet, getting things wrong is how we used to learn and get better at doing something. We’re not perfect and it’s time we start realizing it.

Lastly, they simply love. Children care. Children are a big ball of goodness. They don’t have mean and vengeful thoughts. They can meet you for the first time and you will be their best friend before the end of the day. They don’t care about the mistakes you’ve made in the past. They see you as a person and a person who makes them happy. They will hug you for no reason and it’s enough to make any heart melt.

I may not be ready for children myself, however I feel that my love for children will only grow. They are amazing beings and we adults should aspire to be more like them in so many ways.

Find happiness in simple things. 

Have an open mind. 

And simply, love.